Friday’s junk mail:

THREE REALTORS

Paul Eviston is seated. He is dressed in black trousers and a black collarless shirt, squeezing the middle three fingers of his left hand (Is he married? Unmarried? What is Paul trying to hide?). He tells us he is in the “top 1% of Vancouver realtors*” without elaborating on what that 1% stands for. (The asterisk is “[b]ased on statistics by The Real Estate Board of Greater Vancouver.”) “Since 1985!” Paul has just sold a house at 978 W. 23rd Ave. “My Clients just moved into this 2700 SQ FT Douglas Park Home.” “Where would you like to live?” “CALL PAUL EVISTON TODAY AND GET MOVING.” “Want Results? Contact Paul Today.” Not sure what Paul is getting at with his capitalizations. In small print: “This is not intended to induce a breach of an existing agency relationship.” There is something desperate about Paul.

Lorne Goodman [sic] appears from the chest up. He is dressed in a suit and superimposed before a west side character home. He is smiling and there is something wrong with his teeth. “You’ve probably seen his name just about everywhere in Vancouver!” (“everywhere” is underlined). “I know the Vancouver real estate market and I know I can help you! – Lorne.” Lorne is a member of “The President’s Club” of the Real Estate Board of Vancouver. Like Paul, he is part of the “Top 1%.” On the other side of the card is a house at 883 E 21s Avenue with the sale price listed below. Above the house: “I Sold This For Over Full Price!” Above that (in smaller print): “The Glen Park Specialist.” Lorne’s spiel: “The spring 2011 market has arrived early and vendors are receiving multiple offers for their homes. Call me today to possibly get over asking price for your home with my marketing plan based on 30 years of award winning sales!” Phew.

Scott Warren is also in a suit but appears from the shoulders up (“Scott” is underlined, but “Warren” is not). Scott is direct and his card is full of white space. “DREAM IT. OWN IT.” Scott has made this his registered trademark. “Own your dream.” Then a space. “I care about your future, not just one sale or purchase. It’s about making a dream happen. Your dream.” Another space. “Whether you are selling or buying your home, investment property or luxury estate, I will help you achieve your goals.” (When did my “dream” become my “goals”?) “I offer Real Estate Advice like no other – with trust, professionalism and integrity.” Scott is in the “TOP 100.” “Ranked as one of the top 100 REALTORS in Vancouver, out of 10, 000, since 2005.*” (The asterisk is followed by some very small print.) Scott wants my email address for something called “Real Estate Market Watch,” which, like Facebook, I can “cancel or alter…at any time with no obligation.” “Simply call or email Scott with your areas of interest and ‘Be The First To Know’”.