Yet another personification of Vancouver, this time from sportswriter and rhythm guitarist Dave Bidini, on behalf of the National Post.

Unlike Ian Brown’s Globe column, or Gary Stephen Ross’ Walrus feature (see my 2/1/10 post), Bidini inhabits Vancouver, greeting the reader with a “Hi there! I’m Vancouver,” before asking us to wait while he adjusts his “flowing blond mane.” From there we are invited to lay our head at his “bosom” and listen as he states a preference for Nature (over Culture?), how one needs “a million” to “live here,” and would we like a martini, sushi, “more sushi” or a frappuccino?

At the beginning of the last paragraph, Bidini’s “Vancouver” introduces the “other Vancouvers,” those on “Commercial Drive and along East Hastings,” those employed in “shipyards and lumber mills,” those who play in “punk bands” and work at “art galleries,” “mean people” who are against the Olympics. Once dismissed, he offers to soothe our “agitated” state with marijuana and a "rub," and would we like to be “spanked” (because we are “bad”), and would we like another?

However, it is in his final lines that Bidini reveals to us that the “you” his “Vancouver” is referring to is in fact “Toronto”, a place I have visited many times and never would have recognized through its author's tired, blindered eyes.